This happened 10 years back when I was still in secondary school. It happened between 2of my friends A and B who are close to me.
They were very close before the incident happen. They played pokemon with their gameboys together, eat together, do their work together etc. One day, in our math class, one of my classmates sitting behind both of them forget to bring a calculator. As her neighbour did not bring it too, she decided one to borrow from A and B. At that time, both A and B were still using theirs. However, when A had finished using his, B took A's calculator and lent it to the person behind them. "A" was furious saying that taking his things without permission and loaning it to others is very rude. But B felt that A should not make a fuss over it although it may be wrong of him not to ask permission first but helping other is not a bad thing to do. After which A insisted that he did not say he wanted to lend them in the first place. B was angry and he took back A's calculator suddenly from the hands of the person using it and place his on the table instead. After this incident, they never talk to each other for the rest of their secondary school life despite being in the same class, CCA etc.
On hindsight, it may seem rather childish for both of them to behave in such a way. But at the time, both of them are in my circle of friends. It felt very awkward and uneasy when we want to organise outing etc.
What can third parties do to help them resolve their issue?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hi Kenneth,
ReplyDeleteIt is an interesting past experience that you have shared here and now let me try to resolve this.
As the people involved are young teenagers who tend to be more aggressive and less sensitive than adults, I will use a different approach in resolving the conflict. Firstly, starting from step one: to stop the conflict, I will get both of them to sit down in a relaxed environment and listen to them describe their feelings. This is mainly to find out why A is so angry over the issue (his principles and beliefs)and what B was thinking when he took A's calculator without his permission.
Then, after they have spoken, very likely animosity will still be present this is the time I would direct funnel questions at each of them. Starting with asking them about their feeling for their friendship, "How do you find A as a friend? Can you tell me about the good times you had together?"
Then more on to focus on the central issue of this conflict, the consequence of this conflict on their friendship.
I would ask, for example, "Do you think it's worth it giving up your friendship over this misunderstanding?"If they appear wishy-washy, this is the time I would prompt them to apologize to each other.
I know this may not be the best solution, or negotiation but it will be a method I will try.
Lastly some points to note, I noticed some sentence structure and perhaps you are not too careful with the tenses "forget to bring calculator" should have been "forgot" etc.
Perhaps using "two" might have been more appropriate than "2" will be more formal for the post. Hope my comments helps =).
Regards,
Shu Yan
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Kenneth,
ReplyDeleteThis conflict that you have posted surprises me as to how an issue as small as lending one’s friend’s calculator to another without asking for permission was blown out of proportion. I am more so taken aback by the possibly permanent strain this incident put on the relationship. The following are my suggestions to resolve the situation at hand.
Firstly, there should have been an attempt to resolve the issue then and there, if not, the day after by the two parties or by assistance from a third party, instead of it dragging over their entire secondary school life and future.
They should have stopped to think about the situation and reflect on their actions and feeling as soon as they had calmed down. If neither of them was willing to take the first step, the initiative should have been taken by someone close to both of them. I agree that their behavior seems childish but I wonder if there might have been some other underlying problems or issues that they or one of them had (probably “A”) with the other which they were not talking about. This might have been the contributing factor and this calculator incident might have been the spark that resulted in the outburst of “A”.
Therefore, I think it is vital that someone talk to each of them separately first and ask them the cause for their actions and reaction. This might hopefully explain why this minor incident was blown out of proportion and lasted over an extended period of time. Whether in the past or today, with a good common friend to mediate, it is possible they could be brought together to talk about what bothered them to help them resolve the issue.
Lastly, I think you have written a very concise and clear post, as per the 7C’s. I can see your conscientious use of short sentences as emphasis and your use of succinct language. However, one thing to note is your grammar as in ‘decided to borrow one from A and B’ not ‘decided one to borrow from A and B’ and ‘both of them were in my circle of friends’ instead of ‘both of them are in my circle of friends’. I think you just need to proofread your post again, I would suggest reading it aloud to ensure it is correct.
Hope the issue gets resolved :).
Regards,
Prameet
Hi Kenneth,
ReplyDeleteFirstly I would like to thank you for your previous comment on my 1st blog post. Your suggestions on how to overcome self-consciousness/shyness does help, and made me feel that you really know where I was coming from.
Anyway back to your 2nd post,I agree with Prameet that your post very largely followed the 7c's. The first 3 C's of being clear,concise and complete are very apparent. So good job there! The following is perhaps one way to resolve the issue:
It may be hard to resolve the issue when both A and B are face to face with each other and feeling agitated. Hence perhaps third parties such as you could approach each one separately. Perhaps you could go to B first and listen to what he have to say about the incident. Most importantly, he should feel that you're not taking sides or trying to reprimand him in anyway. Maybe he thought he and A are buddies and that they can be more casual about borrowing each other stuff. Then maybe you can tell him about the boundary of respect that still must be observed between good friends and that perhaps A has felt that B had crossed this boundary, hence resulting in A being angry.
Then you can approach A and again listen to what he have to say, being careful not to take sides. Then maybe you can remind him that B perhaps did what he did because he thought of themselves as buddies and was so used to each other that he forgot about some basic respects.
Finally to conclude the meeting with A and B, remind each of what the other had done for him in the past, probably something that touches him, so they can be reminded of each other good points again and learn to appreciate the their friendship again.
After this you can organise outings where 3 of you hang out together to create environment for them to interact and make friends again. Of course third parties can help but there's a limit to it, ultimately it depends on how determined the parties involved are to resolve the issue.
sixiao
Hello all,
ReplyDeleteThank you for all your constructive criticisms and solutions. I admit I did not proof read before posting it. I will improve on that.
There will be an upcoming gathering during Chinese New Year, hopefully they will talk to each other. I feel that the animosity between them have lessen over the years. They had invited each other to their 21st birthday, however they did not speak to each other. My friends and I will do our best to make them speak in the upcoming meeting. Haha.
Kenneth
Dear Kenneth
ReplyDeleteYou have not said how you would resolve this conflict.
Regards
Happy
My solutions
ReplyDeleteApart from organising gatherings involving the two of them, I will start a common topic for them to interact with. However, I will not talk to them individually about it. As they had invited each other to their parties respectively, they had realised the need to remove the barrier. As both of my friends have very high ego, I feel it is unnecessary to "remind" them and hint them as they may feel rather offended. On top of it, I feel that I can only act as a catalyst for them. Ultimately it is up to them whether they want to take it further.
Kenneth